3 posts from 2005

My wall. Yours. Theirs.

Getting through the situation, the day, the lifetime, behind these walls. Necessary. They are. For these lives we lead are not natural.

I want to be genuine in all circumstances.

Open. But strong. Meaning strong enough in my sense of self that to be open and genuine doesn't put my 'self' in danger of being fractured. Fractured is a word chosen carefully to describe. Each of us is a whole, but act from portions of that whole, love from portions of that whole, hate and fear from portions of that whole. Feel lonely, feel ecstasy, feel nothing at all sometimes from portions of that whole.

I seek a unification of the pieces, that each contribute to my understanding and presence in each experience.

The pieces are not set, not defined, not solid. They are separate, but fluid,
vividly colorful -- flowing energies -- inseparable parts of a whole.

Open to learning, growing, deeper understanding. But immutable, in that they are me and it is me that is learning and growing and understanding and I am whole in myself
and can't be broken or separated from my sense of self by any action or interaction with others.

Not to be selfish, but to be more compassionate, more giving, more real.

To react less from fragile portions of myself and begin to act from a completeness I have many more journeys yet to find.

Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul (Paperback)by Melody Beattie "Beginnings can be delicate or explosive..."

Picked up the book above last week during one of my feeling desperate, but hopeful, moments.  Hopeful that there would be some kind of answer in some book some where -- right there on the shelf. This is the book that I brought home.

Today is "Let the universe lead the way."

Paraphrase:

Feel what you feel. The tough times are transitory. Feel all that is bewildering you for the moment. The moment will pass. The feelings will pass. Feel them, but feel the universe around you, guiding you through and ready to guide you further along you new path once you have recovered.

End Paraphrase.

"May things happen in our lives. Some of them are probable, consequential. Some of them are flukes and seem to come out of the blue, from nowhere. All the events work into a pattern, helping to create us, create our path through life, create our destiny. Sometimes we're greatly influenced by a traumatic storm. Other times seemingly chance occurences can change the entire pattern and course of our lives... We don't have to understand everything. Maybe we aren't supposed to. We don't have to be prepared for all the storms. Sometimes the greatest learning occurs when we're caught off guard, by surprise." - Melody Beattie

How is it that something, one thing or person that we never knew existed and were toodling along just fine without can enter our lives and become so important that it seems foreign to us that we were ever without them? Having children is one way -- but that is planned and nature/nurture takes over -- and it is the way that it is supposed to be.

But what of love -- romantic and love for a friend. People come and go from our lives and it has always been difficult for me. But I am older. I accept it now, in a kind of giving up and unreal to me kind of way -- because I love people and I never want to let go of them. But there will be others and another and it will eventually be ok.

It's storming today. A better storm than those of late. Something pent up is being released out there -- and the air is full of a positive energy.

I need a cleansing a healing a way to focus to center to breathe to protect my self from a stress that is coming from INSIDE of me, but that is sparked by forces outside.

Soon, please, soon -- please.